Question: My friend was diagnosed with HIV 8yrs ago and is starting to get sick now. She's a single parent and is worried about who will take care of her 12 yr old daughter when she dies. She has asked me to take care of her daughter, and I will do so. The problem is that she does not know how to tell her daughter she is HIV positive. Is there anything I can do to help her?

Answer: The important thing for your friend to know is that there is plenty of time to think about and plan what needs to be done. One of the hardest things HIV positive parents have to do is to tell their children they have the HIV virus. Often they may be too afraid to talk to their children. But this silence can be bad for everyone. Children worry when they see that something is wrong and may blame themselves for their parent's sickness or worries.

Telling her daughter would be important so that she can prepare herself for the time when her mother dies, she needs time to say goodbye. They need to make the most of their time together.

It is not an easy thing for parents to tell their children that they are HIV positive. Children may experience the same feelings that the parents felt when they first found out that they were HIV positive. For example, they may have felt scared, angry or sad. It should be remembered that these feelings are normal.

When telling her daughter that she is HIV positive, your friend needs to consider the following things: (a) her daughter may ask many questions and may need a much support. It is important that she be allowed to ask questions. (b) Try to give clear, honest answers. She needs to be given all the correct information about HIV and AIDS. (c) Your friend needs to be sensitive to her daughter's feelings and encourage her to talk about how she feels and especially her fears about HIV and AIDS.

It would also be important for your friend to ask another family member/s (whom she had already told previously) to be present after she discloses her HIV status to her daughter, to give her daughter a sense of who she is. Your being there to offer support at this time would be good, as this would help to establish a bond between you and her daughter. Allowing the young girl to share her feelings about her mother's HIV status with you would help her to feel supported. This may make it easier for her to speak to you and the other family members about her mother after she has died. She would need a lot of support now and especially at the time of her mother's death. Support for her daughter would also give your friend peace of mind.

It may be useful for your friend and her daughter to establish a family tradition, something that they would enjoy doing on a regular basis. This could take place once a week perhaps. For example, having a special dinner, watching a movie together etc. It could be something that the daughter would choose to continue doing with you after her mother's death, something to remember her mom by and would give her a sense of continuity.

Another way to create a record of important memories could be to for them to make a memory box. Your friend could collect anything that is special to her and put this in the memory box for her daughter, for example, it may be a piece of clothing, photographs, trinkets or specials cards. Your friend could also write a letter to her daughter telling her how much she loves her and adding this to the memory box to be opened after her death. The daughter would probably find much comfort in having something tangible to remind her of her mother and the love they shared for each other.

Both your friend and her daughter need a great deal of support at this time, they are fortunate that you are prepared to be there as a support base for them during this difficult period in their lives.