Question: I am a close friend of a person living with HIV/AIDS. How can I best help and support my friend and at the same time also deal with the emotional effect and impact this has on my life and relationships?

Answer: A diagnosis of HIV/AIDS affects more than just the individual. It may affect family, friends and even the community. The diagnosis and the knowledge of living with HIV may be painful and affect many areas of life: physically, emotionally, socially, financially and spiritually; it may put extra strain on individuals and relationships.

As the support person your 'emotional stressors' may be similar to the person living with HIV/ AIDS (PLWHA). Feelings of anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, helplessness and ambivalence may arise and come and go at any time. These feelings are natural, but are hard to deal with. It is important for you to identify and know the overwhelming feeling you have towards your friend and find support to deal with it.

In the context of the your relationship to the PLWHA on a day-to-day basis, withdrawal, conflict, codependency, resentment, role changes and sex may become issues. In the outside world, family, finances and stigma could impose extra burdens.

It is important to remember that even though your needs and feelings may seem irrelevant compared to those of the loved ones, they should not take a back seat. They are of equal worth to the PLWHAs. If you do not deal with your own feelings and needs, they will only magnify, cause resentment and many other negative and hard to deal with emotions.

The best way to handle them is to talk about them to someone you feel safe with. While you may be able to talk to some of your friends, this is not always possible. Friends may not always understand what you are going through. Also, you may have been sworn to secrecy and not be able to confide in your closest friends.

Another place to talk through the difficulties, to share your experiences and find support from the sharing of similar experiences may be with a support group. This may be a safe place for venting unwanted and negative feelings for example, resentment, guilt, fear or even rage without feeling guilty, and without hurting anyone in the process.

Apart from providing emotional support, support groups may also be able to help with networking, medical or care issues, financial problems, by, for example, starting a vegetable garden or learning beadwork skills, and child care or parenting skills.

The PLWHA should also be encouraged to join a support group for people living with HIV for the same reasons. For the PLWHA to know that they are supported and accepted is vital. Simply by being there, listening, acknowledging confusion, touching, being silent, laughing and crying is sometimes the best that you can do.

As a friend, you have the opportunity for an increased sense of sharing, increased appreciation of time together and deeper and more intimate and open levels of communication together.